<lj user=whimnoir>

Go there, friend me. That is my new journal that I will be updating from now on, as I let this one rot.
Although I am not deleting this one, I am leaving it alone and not touching it any longer!
:D see you on my new flist y/y??

So, I keep getting really jealous of what they have right now. But, what they have right now is something I never wanted. Honestly, I don't like everyone having fun and having new friends. I am so afraid of being forgotten. And don't give me that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' shit. No. Absence makes me cry and panic. And worry myself sick. And anxiety and stress makes me stop eating and sleeping.

I need to fucking fix this and I don't know how.

I hate that everyone seems so fine, and I am so fucked up.

Nana died in 8th grade and she took my happiness. Until I found this boy I hadn't ever been very happy.
He is gone and I am a sobbing wreck again.
I fucking hate feeling so pathetic. I hate that he can hear me cry over the phone. I hate that mom knows I have cried (though she doesn' know the full extent... at all.) I want to be better and I can't get there. I just don't know how to fix me. He is gonna think I am too pathetic and get sick of me any day now.

I need to get out of this fucking place. I hate it so much here I can't describe to you how I feel and what it makes me want to do.

Current plan: Work at JCPenney for now. In 2 months I'll be old enough for the job at Borders. Get hired by any Border's within a bus-ride from here. Work there 2 months, maybe? Then transfer to the Borders in San Luis Obispo. I know they do a lot of employee transfers, so I'll already have a job there, and have some money saved up. I can get the fuck out of this living hell and be happy elsewhere, working part time, school part time, and able to see my boy every day. Then live with him once he starts his 2nd year and moves out of the dorms.
Feasible?
Not really.

But I've been an epic disaster of emotional fluxuations, and this is where I get it out. You don't have to pay attention just because I'm on your flist, this is for me :)
So, now for an ARI HAPPINESS SPAM as to make myself smile.
( Pretty pictures :D )

And I continue to be a medical mystery.
Everyone thinks I have an STD, but I really don't believe that. I 100% trust that Boy has not been sleeping around. ... I don't have chlamydia, people. I don't even have symptoms of chlamydia >.>

It would be easier if I had any sort of med coverage whatsoever, so I could get an educated opinion and have a doctor that cares. Or House.
But as it is I research and self-diagnose.
Or I can go to cheap/ free clinic doctors, who just say "Yeah, its this," and drug me for something common that is obviously not what I have.  
worse come to worse, I get really bad and the emergency room can figure it all out XD

Annoying.

I hope I'm feeling better when I see Blink 182 tonight!! (and Taking Back Sunday). I'm so psyched! I've missed Becca like crazy lately!
Although we aren't as close lately. As she put it rather bitterly once: You were my two best and only friends, and now you're too busy fucking each other.
Oo I think that was said when I was still a virgin, too... Plus, she was my best friend, then she was friends with him, so she was the main reason I got to know him. Before, he was just that annoying guy that occationally came by... with nice body and beautiful eyes
Anyway, its  been a while since I got to go to a show with just her and her younger brother, like old times :D

I'm so scared and confused, and jealous and sad. I'm fucking sick of this and don't know what to do.  I don't want to be here. I don't get this. I don't have a way to fix this. I don't have my Nana and Pa, or my mom as she was. Becca and Boy have left me. I don't have anyone to hug me.
I want this to be  over. I want things to get better like they had been. I hate feeling so useless.

But mom devopled the film from camping, and I stole a few I liked, even if they do totally suck.

( fwee... )